Shane Spotting

Prepster Shane

2009-12-15T16:46:00.005-06:00

What do you get when you cross a boarding school education with copious amounts of cocaine and disposable income? Prepster Shane wants to be just like his lower class brethren by revolutionizing the tattoo industry. How better to show your country club pride without wearing a collar than to ink in your favorite horse rider or green reptile onto your breast? We appreciate the effort. But, what will Mumsy and Grandpapa think of you Trip Shanederbilt?

Jersey Shore Shane

2009-12-07T13:28:00.010-06:00

This is a Shanetamer public service announcement . . . If laughing at Shane is your favorite pastime, you must do everything you can to watch Jersey Shore on MTV Thursdays 10/9 E/P

Finally, MTV is relevant again! Guidos, Guidettes, and the Situation . . . oh my! Now if we could only convince them to fill a house with Shanes and Shaynas instead. Your Shantetamers are willing to provide casting services for free. We guarantee an equally compelling subculture exposure!

Some memorable quotes:

"I represent Italians, family, hair gel and tanning"

"There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my mangel."

"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off."

"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby"

"Whadda you lookin at tough guy" ... "The Situation is like, there's a situation"

“A guidette is somebody who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on makeup, has tan skin, wears the highest heels, pretty much they know how to own it and rock it.”

My Name is Shayna

2009-12-03T10:10:00.004-06:00

Sorry Kelly. Your tattoo artist appears to have misspelled your name, it should be "S-H-A-Y-N-A". Your skip skap logic is more than a bit flawed. There is little chance that Shanes will remember your name just because they read it while giving you the eiffel tower. Hooked on Phonics didn't work for Shane, he has a better chance at pronouncing a couple of intertwining barbed wire tats than the short sentence inked on your back. Although, we applaud your tattoo inovashane. Stick to sucking dick anonymously, that way you might get lucky enough to get a second date/dance at Supa Club.

Who Dat Say Gonna Beat Dem Shane

2009-11-11T11:25:00.006-06:00

Black and Gold Super Bowl! And Shane finally has something to wear. Thanks to the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE ® for licensing this Ed Hardy knockoff designer cotton. Now that the Saints are Marching all the way to Miami, Shane can support his team in style. Noseblead seats in Da Dome for Shane and actual fist induced nosebleads for Shayna. Everybody wins! Who Dat Shane. Best team in the league what you know about that!

OccupaShayna -- Call-In Stripper

2009-11-05T15:45:00.006-06:00

We have already talked about the only occupaShayna that Shayna is qualified for. But, in this trying economic environment she needs a little extra cash to pay for med school. Shayna, like Rihanna, is an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman and she won’t allow herself to work for a pimp or at a strip club. So, she throws on her platform heels and grabs her stringiest thong to answer the call of the trailer park bachelor party. Where else is she going to unload a case of bubblegum flavored bodyshot vodka? She will have to bring a little grape soda as well, because she doesn’t balk at the joint bachelor/child’s birthday party. But, don’t wait Shane! Book her now before she visits the wrong double wide and ends up raped and buried in the backyard.

Shaynalabia Majora

2009-11-02T14:56:00.008-06:00

Apparently, more than four people we know read and miss our humorous insight (thanks for all the love notes Corey). So we will occasionally, post something good when it falls into our labias, I mean laps. This is one such occasion.

This is not a recent contribushane , but rather this popped up in the vault and somehow never got used. It’s so absurd we can’t even garner the requisite disdain necessary to belittle Shayna (and her self? portrait).

For fuck’s sake her deodorant must work better than mine if she assumes that position with any frequency. Either that or Summer's Eve and Secret just teamed up to make a roll-on that won't leave a residue on her black skank-top whenever she has that not so fresh feeling. But, we are guessing Shayna is just used to heinous scents because guys always piss on her face when they rinse their cum off.

Shane Academy

2009-09-02T13:38:00.003-05:00

Your Shanetamers have thoroughly enjoyed the genius of VH1's reality documentation of Shane's behavior in the wild, Tool Academy. Never before has the world seen the in depth dysfunctShane in the coupling habits of the least refined classes. Sociologist PHD candidates should be writing theses on the Shanestitute and how her actions lead Shane astray. As long as these cum dumpsters keep fucking him, Shane is never going to learn how to get his act together. Maybe President Obama’s socialized medicine plan can focus on preventative care and let the Tool Academy be its guide. The first step is to reform Shayna and teach to her to reward responsibility, and not sophomoric conduct, with the gift/curse of her snatch. Only then can Shane be tricked/trained into becoming a contributing member of society. We thank VH1 for showing us the way to a Shane-free society. No longer will we celebrate the fact that “Matsuflex wears man panties yall!”

ExistenShaneism

2009-08-26T11:16:00.006-05:00

Shane’s existentialist struggle continues everytime he slips on a pair of Rebel Spirit jeans. The dichotomy of living with a Rebel Spirit and “A Royal Way of Life” is mentally exhausting. Clearly such a complex man would express his softer side with an intricately designed leafless tree tattoo taking up his entire back only to remind you of how fierce he can be with his broadsword across his shoulders. This wonderful depth of character leads Shane into some unique life experiences. A shallower Shane sticks it to Shayna alone, however the Rebel Spirit Shane uses his depth to accept his bro-Shane deep inside him whilst giving Shayna the business. The self-actualization derived from that bi-curiosity is what drives Shane to be better for his fellow man. Tis’ true Shane, princes and rebels wear embroidered jeans with sequins too!

BeDazzler Shane

2009-08-24T14:51:00.002-05:00

The Ed Hardy BeDazzler is back again and it’s the fashion craze of the season. Even if you've never threaded a needle, you’ll be BeDazzling in minutes. You can BeDazzle a hat, a shirt, a belt, a scarf, a sweater, a laptop, a blue jean jort, a muscle tee, a trucker hat, or an HGH syringe! It's easy. It’s fun. It’s fabulous! You get the original BeDazzler plus all the rhinestones, studs and stars you'll need! Don’t be dull – BE DAZZLING! – with the better than ever Ed Hardy BeDazzler!

Tramp Stamp Barbie

2009-08-18T15:17:00.008-05:00

Thanks Mattel! Just when we thought the Jonas Brothers had de-skanked the next generation, your latest products have insured the Shanestitute's survival. Corporate America knows that slutty sells. "Look Mommy! I made my Barbie look like you. I put dollar bills in her big girl panties and used my crayons to give her a black eye!" The Go Down on her Meth Dealer Barbie comes with her own tattoos and (water) tattoo gun for quick and thoughtless ink application, not unlike Shayna’s butterfly to commemorate that 3 way in the gas station bathroom.

*Hepatitis-C, bellybutton piercings, and self-esteem sold separately.

School For Shane

2009-08-13T11:49:00.004-05:00

Pick up the 3-wheelers from the river, and freeze your account at the local Mystic Tan… mating season is fast coming to a close. Time to throw out that crab infested Budweiser bikini, Shayna. Shane you are going to have to hang up those steroid sweat stained man tanks and get your dumb ass back to school! You have one more semester in the University of Phoenix Bail Bondsman’s certificate program and there is no way you are going to be seen at the public library’s computer lab without your illest Shanecessories. Let all the cool kids know how badass you and your trapper keeper are by the size of the skull, heart, and chicken shit. Who knows . . . you may actually learn something this year now that the Shane Overlord and Ed Hardy have your back.

Big Pus-Shane

2009-08-11T12:54:00.007-05:00

Oh Vincent Pastore. If David Chase could see you now he would have had you whacked much earlier in the series. You definitely live up to the "Big" part of "Big Pussy". Your rotund girth is making that Afflict-Shane tee cry almost as much as we are just seeing you in it. But, we do appreciate you double fisting the cocktails in your promotional pic, but it’s hard to call you a Dago-Shane when you are squinting more than our ole buddy Charlie-Shane. Thankfully you at least had the decency to surround yourself with some high-quality Jersey skank-ass (oxymoron). However, with your fat ass on it, that bar you are dancing on must have been creaking and moaning worse than Tony Soprano’s whiny ass on Dr. Melfi's couch. But, look on the bright side, at least after doing the Stanky Leg all night you really do smell like you swim with the fishes.

Shaynacessory -- Balloon Cans

2009-08-05T11:06:00.006-05:00

This pretty much goes without saying, but Shane (and admittedly your Shane Tamers) love tits. But, we have never really dedicated a full post to Shayna's number one option to win the mating game. Take this snapshot in time for instance. Despite the fact that the Blonde is probably more attractive than the duck-faced Brunette Shanestitute, good ole’ balloon cans dominates the photo. She learned early on, when in doubt for super club attire, always go with the sparkly tank top and the trusty "Push My Tits Up to My Chin" bra. When executed as expertly as this, she is a lead pipe lock to catch some helpless Shane’s eye. Congratulations on hooking your new Shane baby daddy! Please, just don't forget to have a little sympathy for your wing-Shayna. The poor Boardchested Blondie was stuck just giving another anonymous BJ in the parking lot after you left her without a ride home.

Shane's On a Boat!

2009-07-31T11:05:00.021-05:00

Get your hair gel. Shane's on a boat bitch.

Drinking Red Dog Light cause its so crisp.

Got his 'ffliction trunks . . . and his Dragon Kicks.

He's throwing signs while his Shanestitutes flash their tits.

Shane's at the Super Club on water . . . ravin' and shit.

His boat is hoppin' . . . all the bitches be wet.

Cause this ain't no sports bar.

This is treal as it gets.

Shane's on a boat motha fucka and don't you ever forget it.

Shane's on a boat. And.

He's got the clap. And.

Shane got a barb-wire tat and a fake tan.

Shane been pumpin the juice on a boat straight pimpin.

If you on the shore than you sho' not Shane-in.

Get the fuck up this Shane is real!

(Enter T-Pain)

Yeah, Shane never thought he'd be on a boat.

In the dirty water he rolls.

Shayna-a-a-a look at meeee. Wooooah.

Shane never thought he'd see the day.

When a baby mamma comin' his way.

Believe Shane when he saaay.

"I fucked Ed Haaardy!"

One Year Shanniversary!

2009-07-29T14:05:00.005-05:00

Who would have thought that in one year's time since the birth of Shane your Shane Tamers would have ever had the dedication or creativity to hate Shane in so many varied ways. So, on this one year Shanniversary we will once again be fighting for our freedom . . . not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution . . . but, from Shane. We are fighting for our right to live in the neon-less light; to wear shirts with collars; to exist tattoo free. If you see Shane today, let him know that his time is short. And, should we win the day, the 29th of July will no longer be known as a Shane Tamer holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice:

"We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence from Shane Day!"

Shane's New Look

2009-07-27T16:01:00.007-05:00

We still have our eyes on you Shane! It's our one year Shanniversary week and we are ready for year two. Prepare to see some changes around here: new logo, new layout, new web address (minus the blogspot). It's time to take the kid gloves off when dealing with Shane. Hopefully, our marketing campaign can put Ed Hardy out of business. Be on the lookout for polo shirts, bumper stickers, temporary tattoos, posters, coozies, cell phone covers, and screen savers. Plus, we are looking for our first volunteer to get the Spotter's Crest tramp stamp. If this special opportunity interests you, as always, email us.

We’ve been really fortunate to have a lot of contribushanes over the past year and we’re always looking for more. So keep sending them our way! With your help, we can stop the tShanenami.

Thanks,

Shane Tamers

Long Distance RelaShaneship

2009-07-23T14:53:00.008-05:00

Sup gurl, OMG 1 miz u l0tz. Want u here in bed, nao. 1 fl3x my guns 4 u, LOL. Getz barb wire tat s00n. 1 <3 ur plastic funbagz. Plz send Ed Hardy vibrator pic of u nao, thx.

xoxo
Shane

Shane's Bedspread

2009-07-21T10:38:00.004-05:00

Shane is not going to trick out his Wal-Mart mattress with just any 100 thread count bedding. No way. He is gonna splurge and go for the finest cotton sheets made in French Indochina. This is where the Shane magic happens. Imagine all of the Shanestitute persuasive sexual encounters (rape is such a dirty word) that have happened here! Well chosen Shane. I hear they call Shayna Wet-Wet. Cause every time you finish she mess up all your bed set. But, just remember Shane. Love. Kills. Slowly. . . .

Mini Shane

2009-07-16T11:17:00.003-05:00

Thank god they make child size shanecessories for the vertically challenged brethren. At only 3'8”, who knew Shane could stack shit that high! But, don't let this man's lack of stature fool you. What he lacks in height he more than makes up for in Shane. With his Beastie Boy reject sidekick, DJ Trendy Douche, Mini Shane will get Super Club on the dancefloor with all of the newest electronic clicks, dings, pings, and bangs. Even Shayna loves this little guy, he fits right into the oversize bag for a quick trip into the loo. Plus, he’s just the right height for her to blow a few lines off his head before he blows a few loads into her mouth. As long as Mini Shane, aka DJ Shane "Angry Spinnin’ Dwarf", can keep the club poppin’ he has it mini made.

Shane and Kate + 8

2009-07-14T10:42:00.006-05:00

Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint why we hate Shane so much. He usually just annoys the shit out of us with his foolish life choices. However, sometimes one Shane comes around and pretty much just sums up everything that is wrong with the classificaShane. Mr. Gosselin has done nothing of note other than deposit enough gametes into his controlling shrew of a wife so she could shit out 8 progeny. Somehow, this deserved a reality show. America realized how much his life sucks. It was all good and it was enjoyable to watch Kate drive him harder than his uncles who had to build our railroads in their pointy hats.

But, then he had a metamorphiShane. Just as the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, Jon abandoned his normal human ways and hit a new mid-30s rebellious streak. Like most Shanes, he had to cling on to his youth despite his near decrepitude. Bangin' multiple 20-year olds is fine, but don't do it while flossin a faux-shane and terrible Ed Hardy Afflict-Shanes! You're a father or 8 for God's sake. Now, we hear he is in talks with the Shane overlord himself, Christian Audigier, to be a spokesperson and possibly come out with his own line of shanecessories for children. This is the last straw, we will not abide 8 more fricking yutes running around spreading Shanecessories to America. Shit! Will the Shane never cease!?!

Dedicashane

2009-07-10T14:27:00.002-05:00

Shane Will Rise Again

2009-07-10T10:56:00.007-05:00

Of course Shane is going to find the illest way to show his Southern Pride. The Rebel Flag hats are so last year. "It's Heritage Not Hate". Now, when Shane shows his support the good general, he has to do it in the only way he knows how. Fanciful swirl designs? Check. Decorative block lettering? Check. Available at your local haberdashery/gas station? Check. Only $4.99*! It's a steal at twice that price Shane!

* Confederate currency not accepted.

Silver Back Shanestitute

2009-07-07T16:31:00.002-05:00

At some point, Shayna will crest the top of the hill and slip into another dimension beyond mere sluttery. Yet, one amongst her kind stands tall and clings to the youthful indiscrete ways with such gorilla passion and reckless regard for vaginal tension that she has evolved into a whole new species. The Silverback Shayna requires that Shane not only ogles the old skank ass, but, that he comes under her complete domination. If challenged by a younger or an outsider male, a silverback will scream, beat her enhanced chest, break her nails into daggers, bare her cum-bleached teeth, then charge forward (poor Guy Ritchie). This rare breed of Shayna will stop at nothing to make sure that she retains her place in the Shaynerarchy. Like a Virgin? We think not Shayna.

Shane's Coozie

2009-07-02T09:00:00.004-05:00

The licensing department over at Ed Hardy never ceases to amaze us. The brand expansion started when they wowed us with their Eau Du Whip. And now, they bring us these Neoprene Koozies so that Shanes and Shaynas everywhere can keep the Bud Ice and $4 mini Cook's Champagne frosty (Shayna pops bottles on a budget). This is a public service announcement to YOU, Shane. Do not delay! You need to get to the local "Kum 'N Go" before it’s too late. The Fourth of July weekend is nearly upon us. We would hate for you to be forced to use the run of the mill "He can clean fish, why not the house" huggie to keep those Zima’s and other assorted malt beverages cold.

XXL Shane

2009-06-29T15:58:00.005-05:00

Poor Shane, he really has let himself go. At first glance he appears to be wearing some cutting edge Afflict-Shane. But, upon a closer review, those modifications are obviously aftermarket. That last cream-filled kolache left his shirt covered with more white dots than Shayna’s face after winning the wet t-shirt contest on Spring Break last year. It’s one thing to be a land monster. But, seriously, someone should tell him that ObeShanity is not to be celebrated. I hope that is vodka Jabba the Shane is shooting. He can’t afford the extra calories in tequila. Thankfully, the barkeep had the sense not to rim his shot glass with sugar. But, while on the subject of rimming, I bet MarShanemellow Boy here would toss any man's salad to get to some more food. He doesn’t see the jelly vs. syrup question as an either/or proposition. He eats outs dat ass with both! Put. Down. The. Food. Shane. Walk, nay RUN, away before you find yourself condemned to a life of movement via Rascal for the rest of your artery clogged existence.

Domestic ShaneBuse

2009-06-27T09:00:00.001-05:00

Braaah. We are here for you man. I know your girl went all Chris Brown on your ass last night because you are such a midget bitch. But, you really can't even see it. I promise! Just put on this gay newsie hat and striped shirt and you will be fine. We will all go out and find you a new girl at the club. In no time you will be grinding on Shayna with the biggest and hardest fake cans you have ever seen. Then, all that you will be worrying about is making sure the tit doesn't smack ya in the face and fuck up your left eye. Come on man. What do you have to lose? Cranberry Vodkas on us!

Michael JackShane, R.I.P.

2009-06-26T07:28:00.007-05:00

It hurts your trusty Shane Tamers to make this post. The King of Pop is no more. We will truly miss him and his amazingness. Now, we pay tribute the only way we know how.

Thankfully, before he met his untimely demise, Wacko Jacko was able to make a last ditch effort to try become the King of Shane. Teaming up with none other than Lord of the Shane designer extraordinaire Christian Audigier (pictured), Michael was apparently in talks to release his own line of Shanecessories under the Ed Hardy label. He had just mastered throwing signs. Who knows?! If he had made it a couple more years he could have gotten on a cycle of roids and beefed up with some badass tats and made it late into his 80's. Then, he could have met a lovely Shanestitute and cured his little boy problem. Alas . . . such is not the case. Too soon MJ. We will miss ya, you PYT!

Affirmative ActShane

2009-06-25T09:32:00.007-05:00

Shane loves Wayne Brady, white people love Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady loves white people, Wayne Brady loves Shane. Wayne Brady is so non-threatening he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X. This master of improvisation has spent his entire career wearing a multitude of hats. It should come as no surprise that when he dons his Afflict-Shane cap that, not only does he look like it fits him, but he actually becomes Shane. Shane-Wayne can masterfully transition from harmless black man that all white people find humorous into the poster child for all things Shane. Shortly after this photo was taken, Shane-Wayne ripped of his leather jacket to flaunt his tatted pythons and nipple piercings. The nearest Shanestitute creamed herself as Shane-Wayne slipped her some X and started grinding all over that ass like it was fried chicken in a welfare line.

Your fine Shanetamers are pleased to see that our new president has finally implemented policies that support Affirmative ActShane. We can finally redress all of the disadvantages laid upon non-Shanes of all race, ethnicity, and gender due to Shane's overt, institutional, and involuntary discrimination of the past. Just as long as “Yes We Can!” doesn’t stand for paying reparations then we can also be inclusive of our more pigmently gifted Shanes. Thank you Wayne Brady, for bursting through that glass ceiling that was holding all of your brothers in Shane down.

Armani ExShange

2009-06-22T15:20:00.003-05:00

Hey Brah. What are you going to wear tonight? Ummm. I don't know. I was thinking about going with my White V-Neck Silver Foil Letter Pattern Designer Cotton with the repeating words "Armani Exchange, New York City, Milan." No way duuuude. I am already wearing my Black V-Neck Silver Foil Letter Pattern Designer Cotton with the repeating words "Armani Exchange, New York City, Milan." Awwww man fucking sweet!! Now we just need to hit the club and find some chick with monster fake tits to take a picture with us. Yeah! Then you should totally do that eyebrow raise thing that makes us both look so fucking cool and not old as dirt. DONE!

Doug -- Shane's Halfbro

2009-06-16T10:27:00.006-05:00

Going Tiki Tubing this weekend Shane? Can't afford that second six-pack of Bud Ice? Don't worry. All ya gotta do is call up your half brother, Doug, the only remnant from your mom’s high school drunken gangbangs, besides the herp sores. Doug used to beat your sorry ass as a kid, but NASCAR is off this week and he won't be changing any tires or jacking anyone up/off so you can have him all to yourself. If you are lucky, Doug will delay slapping around his old lady, Tammy, for a few hours and come float down the river with you. He is your last hope of filling up the ice chest with the cheapest fermented hops on the market. Just buy him an extra case of Red Dog and he will get you and all your brothers in Shane fucked up badder than a redneck taking a English test. What good are half-brothers if you can’t use the half dumbass part? Call Doug brah!

ImitaShane

2009-06-12T15:02:00.005-05:00

Shane’s all growns up, my little boy is all growns up. For those of you too young to recognize the seminal 90’s movie reference, you probably don’t appreciate the proper value of the sportcoat either. Don’t worry, you are not alone because neither Shane in this picture has any idea how to wear it. If they had any concept of its power they wouldn’t have matched it with the Afflict-Shane underneath. It’s like Shanes are saying, “Look at us bro-Shanes, were like a blue steel ying-yang!” Although, I really love the bedazzled white belt on the little one, he looks like a constipated AJ Soprano waiting for his turn to suck dick for rock. I can’t speak too poorly of the tall one, A) the linen coat is pretty amazing, B) I’m still trapped in his luscious curls… or not. It's too bad, but he looks like he makes that face because changing his expression would be too challenging for the delicate gray matter between his ears. They say that ImitaShane is the highest form of flattery, however in this case I think it is clear that these ImitaShanes are just flirting with each other.

Thanks to longtime reader A for the contribushane.

InterraShane Friendship

2009-06-03T11:41:00.007-05:00

The boundaries that divide the masses have clearly been overcome by Shane and his amigo mejor. Some of you fine readers may get persnickety and suggest that blanco Shane is not Shane enough. I beg you to note that the VIRGIN MARY is throwing signs on his t-shirt; case closed. The shanedito bandito is overqualified with his terrible facial hair, Afflict-Shane and visible ink. Although, I remain confused by his insistence on conventional hat wearing. In honor of our new multi-racial Pres and the efforts of these two specimens, I salute Shane’s effort at diversity and can only offer up "Shane we Can!"

Thanks to reader redacted for the contribushane.

Shane's Coonass Prom

2009-05-13T10:16:00.006-05:00

Paaaaaw. Mais! It's prom time Cher! But you know dat Shane on da Bayou ain't gonna wear him no traditional tux. He been running his crawfish traps all Spring and now its time for him to floss his best gear and Delcambre Reeboks for his #1 Shayna-Denise-Clotille-Boudreaux. But just because Coon Ass Shane is all gussied up in his camo shanecessories, don't you dare think that he don't got his 4/10 on the rack in his truck at all times. Shane’s tuxedo takes him from the high school gym to the duck blind, cause you never know when some mallard drakes might be cuppin!

Shanecessory -- Manly Makeup

2009-04-20T10:41:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Yves Saint Laurent, Shane doesn't have to borrow his shanestitute’s MAC Cosmetics anymore! According to metro.co.uk:

It is a make-up essential found in millions of handbags. But now Yves Saint Laurent is launching a version of its Touche Eclat eyeliner specifically for men.

Touche Eclat For Men is unfragranced and will 'encourage men to use cosmetics as a skin enhancer, rather than to create a full make-up look', the company claims.

Will wonders never cease? I guess since its for a guy it doesn’t need to be waterproof, but I hope it is getting punched in the face resistant. I envision seeing this guy’s head smashed into the bathroom mirror if he is caught touching it up while at SupaClub. Our inner British marketing genius can’t help ourselves from pitching the slogan "Trashy enough for Shayna, but made just for Shane".

2009-04-07T15:41:00.000-05:00

Shanecessory -- Eau Du Whip

2009-03-30T16:34:00.008-05:00

Shane's whip cannot be smelling like just any old ride. The traditional redneck Christmas Tree dangling from the rear view mirror will not suffice. Don't worry Shane, your old buddy Ed Hardy has come to the rescue! He teamed up with top European fragrance scientists to create a whole line of scents just your style. Never again will you have to drive somewhere without smelling Red Bull-Vodka, Coconut Fake Tan Lotion, Freshly Discarded Fetus , Techno Smoke Machine, Britney Spears Sports Bra, or Post Work Out Sweaty Man Taint again! Don't miss this opportunity Shane. Swing by your nearest Pump and Pak and pick up your favorite eau du whip while supplies last!

ProfeShanal Athlete - Spring Shaning

2009-03-26T08:33:00.002-05:00

Brett Myers took his son to the ballpark for a little Spring Shaning last week. It’s refreshing that not even a World Series ring can change the true colors of this family man. Just a couple years removed from allegations of smacking his wife up and down a Boston street, Myers’ unparalleled parenting skills are on display. I’m sure fellow Phillies, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins appreciated the Myers’ family display of “Heritage not Hate.” This is a stark reminder that no matter how much fame and fortune you get, you have to keep shopping at Wal-Mart to make sure your yute still has all of the illest racist/southern pride Shanecessories. The South will rise again Shane!

Occupashane - Bartender

2009-03-19T10:38:00.005-05:00

Here are a few job skills that Shane/Shayna can offer to a prospective employer: work irregular hours, high propensity for drug abuse, dancing skills, and the occasional bout of non-consensual sex. Sounds like the perfect recipe for a successful mixologist doesn't it? Where else can Shane get paid to rock out his Shanecessories (see fauxshane in center photo), be the center of attention and pick up a few sloots who were too blitzed to escape the bar by closing time. As for Shayna, there are only a few professions that make better use of her augmentations and blowjob personality. The Shanestitutes pictured have clearly honed their craft and the one with the huge tits has even been awarded some kind of trifling Budweiser trophy. Shayna holds out hope that her Prince Charming will scoop her up out of her tube top and into his chariot and away to a life of luxury. Sorry to interrupt your daydream barkeep, serve me a couple vodka drinks before I throw up in your stretch mark laden décolletage!

Ed. Note: Shanetamers are not misogynists they just think women are inferior and unqualified for proper intellectual pursuits

VacayShane Shanecessory - Yard Glass

2009-03-16T17:20:00.002-05:00

In this picture we find 6 resort/bar wristbands, 4 red eyes, 3 unlit cigarettes, one color coordinated orange hat/tee combo, and 2 mother fucking Shanes. Doooood. Shane is in Cancun/Jamaica/Panama City/Play del Carmen and needs to get fucking drunk off a yard of beer/daiquiris/hurricane/hand grenade/each others’ urine! Shane can totally measure alcohol intake by distance and not volume. Shanes can even pimp their yard glasses with pink paint pens ala sorority bus trip that they were never invited to. Stop throwing your sign and finish your beverage before your bro-shane does brah. First one to drink the 40 yard dash dies!

Amerishane Idol

2009-03-11T11:58:00.004-05:00

This American Idol frontrunner may bat for the other team. But, the other team still plays for Shane. The ridiculous peacock hair and designer optics are unmistakable. Now if only all Shanes would let out their inner Adam Lambert. What a scary thought, the clubs would be crawling with Afflictioned fairies all tonguing each other in lieu of the typical homoerotic flexing and chest puffing as an excuse to start a fight and grab a fellow shane. Follow the singing man's lead and jump out of the closet triumphantly! Grab your best bro and get down to some serious face sucking. Free at last Shane, Free at last!

OccupaShane - PerShanal Trainer

2009-03-09T13:23:00.003-05:00

Shane you are such a Hulk. You might as well make some money to support your juice habit and by becoming a perShanal trainer you are killing two birds with one stone. Get out there and find yourself a spinner and work her little ass until she is ripped up just like you. Don’t forget to bring your business cards with you when you go out clubbing. When you take off the Gold’s gym tee and floss the Afflict-shane, Shayna won’t be able to resist asking how your pythons got so swole. However, proceed with caution Shane, your success may make you the architect of your own downfall. If you decide to train a firecrotched spice girl, or similar quasi-celeb, who can’t afford a real personal assistant you will have to pack a pooper scooper next to your 7000g protein shake. Get your ass in gear and give me five more reps Shane!!

Shanestitutetivity -- I Kissed a Girl

2009-03-06T09:00:00.003-06:00

Long before Katy Perry made it feel so wrong and then feel so right, Shayna has known the quickest way to Shane's heart. It is of course for her to grab a member of the fairer sex and start mugging down. Admittedly, this is one behavior that your paragons of morality (i.e. shane tamers) also find an irresistible trait in a lady (Ed note: using that word extremely loosely). We guess deep down there is a little shane in all of us and that little Shane wants to see his #1 ho lick her best friend's tongue in public. We give this Shanestitutivity our Gold Star Seal of Shanepproval. Don't change Shayna! Don't ever change!

Shanestitutetivity -- Mardi Gras

2009-03-04T09:00:00.004-06:00

We know we are a little late on this, but your Shane tamers were more than a little besotted after partaking in the revelry ourselves last week. However, nothing pleases us more than being able to file this latest dispatch from our own corner of the universe.

Shanestitutes love nothing more than getting all dressed up and flaunting their best assets to the nearest Girls Gone Wild cam. "It's like totally anonymous because we get to wear masks and stuff. Everyone is like -ohhh my gawd- showing their tittays for finely crafted Chinese jewels!!! So much fun!!! Plus, I can totally shove my phone in my FUPA so it doesn't get in the way of me showing off how great my plastic surgeon is!!" Just another reason to love NOLA and to celebrate the greatness that is the Shanestitute! As the cool kids say Shayna, "It ain't trickin if you got it"

The Messiahstitute

2009-03-03T16:20:00.003-06:00

Shanestitutes rejoice!! Their fairy godmother makes her triumphant return to pop mediocrity tonight in the Dirty N.O. to launch her Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey of a tour!! Finally, the hair has grown out enough to slap on some extensions and get the not so Virgin Mary out on the road again. Brit Brit will be shaking her ass to pay Fed-Ex's alimony. No longer will Shane Preston have to bum his mommas cigs. He can finally get packs of his own when the truckloads of cash start rolling in again!!! Shayna, you better get your nails done and your hair did, you don't want to be caught out on the town tonight without your MAC, highlights, stilettos, and don't you dare forget the exposed tramp stamps, and whale-tail thongs. All hail the pop princess, She has RISEN!!

IntrospecShane

2009-03-02T15:05:00.010-06:00

Shane, now is the time to make a decision. Are you sure this is the path you want to go down? Here you are at a party decked out in the illest gear, but not a shanestitute in sight. What is wrong!?!? Are you sure you put on enough shanecessories this morning? Or, have you gone spiraling out of control? Is your style just too sick for a mere mortal Shayna? Nah, that can't be it. Chicks dig designer shades!! You don't have any of the slooty tutes because you are such a scrawny bitch. Maybe if you were jacked up on some HGH, then you would have the self esteem to show Shayna that you can make her holla just like a siren (all apologies to Lil Weezy)!! Throw caution and testicles to the wind, if A-Rod can land Madonna's old ass, then you should have no problem getting what's left of your pencil wet with Mary Jane Rotten Crotch!!

ProfesShanal Football Players

2009-01-28T14:27:00.007-06:00

Unless you live under the proverbial rock, you know its Super Bowl week. The championship of amateur gambling notwithstanding, it gives both teams an opportunity to get out of their home cities for a week and into the comforting warm weather environs of the host city, Tampa this year. Just like a bunch of fraternity douche puppets on Spring Break from a shitty Big 10 school (that was redundant), a few of the Pittsburgh Steeler’s squad had the typical Pavlovian response to booze and semi-tropical weather. “Dude let’s get hammered and hit on the chic’s who would frequent a Tampa bar on a Tuesday” Those fine specimens of sloot would be: a) the waitstaff in some kind of blue bustier uniform and b) one Shayna in a graphic tee. Regular readers of this fine website will be gobsmacked by this collection of Shanestitutes.

But hey, Steelers kicker and NFL-Shane co-mascot, Jeff Reed can’t be troubled to keep his eyes open. I don't blame him for trying to shake the flashbacks of whatever Yinzer in a Rothleisberger jersey he banged after the AFC championship game. There is not enough Yeung-Leung, or hair gel, in all of Pennsylvania to get this Shane tamer’s hair to stand up that straight, I guess nailing a chic that looks like your long-snapper can do that to you.

*Non-Gambler gambling advice, Pittsburgh fans are notorious homers when it comes to betting on their team week-in and week-out much less in the Super Bowl. I have no idea what the line is, but take the Cardinals and the points.

(InspiraShane: KSK)

Big Foot Fetishane

2009-01-15T10:51:00.004-06:00

Shane's Uncle Ricky got the family started with the whole tattoo craze. Ole Ricky wanted to show some love for his favorite spectator sport. What better way to do it then with some ink of his favorite monster truck Bigfoot. Whoever supports those commie bastards driving Bone Crusher and Gravedigger probably voted for Obama. Bigfoot has the Stars and Stripes flying proudly every time he smashes the week's set of repo'd cars. Now that I think of it, the rally is cooming to town pretty soon. You know Uncle Ricky will be taking Shane and the whole family for a night of revelry after they go out for dinner at Whataburger. Big trucks, big tires, big noise, Wooooo Doggy! Get your tickets, and a rabies vaccine, while supplies last!

Old Shane Syne

2008-12-31T11:28:00.003-06:00

Shane, what did you get yourself into for New Years Eve? I appreciate that in lieu of indoor fireworks you had Shayna color her hair with the entire spectrum of Crayola's highlighter pack. God forbid you would have set them off inside and ruined your matching shirts. Did you two bro's plan it that way? It must have been awkward, between the shirts and the goatees how could anyone tell you apart? Ohh I know how, when you got surprised in the men's room I bet the one with the glasses was on his knees. Good thing he has the high roller champagne to get the taste out of his mouth before your midnight kiss. Happy New Year Shane!

Snow Shanegel

2008-12-11T12:29:00.003-06:00

Shane is so excited to see snow because he doesn’t get a lot of it where he is from down south. Shane takes advantage of this frozen precipitation and goes outside to make a snow angel. Of course he can’t just go flap his arms and legs like every other snow angel making asshole. I guess he wanted to let his tiny little pecker make its own third wing. Great idea Shane! Wish I would have thought of it first, but instead I locked the door. Enjoy frostbite on your littlest digit.

Shanecessory - Dragon Kicks

2008-11-20T10:43:00.004-06:00

Shane, hurry they are on sale! What a shanetastic deal!! You can get not one, but TWO dragons on your feets. These are the perfect Shanecessory for your weekend out. Just think, with these kicks, you will be breathing fire out of your feet. That will be the perfect distraction to cancel out the burning when you pee. Plus, with that unfashionably squared off toe you can inflict some major damage to Charlie Shane in case you get into an impromptu Mixed Marshane Arts battle. Act now while supplies last!

Recupera-Shane

2008-11-13T10:18:00.005-06:00

It's not all bottles and "before" models for Shane, there is a darker side to maintaining his place in the Shane-erarchy. When Ronnie or Ricky gets up in his grill Shane has to throw down and assert his dominance. Doesn't he look like a badass in front of this striped pink number. I'm not sure if Shane came out ahead or got his ass whipped in this little tussle, but he is for damn sure winning the R&R. Luckily he removed his pacifier before Shayna snapped this after the battle photo. Don't try and contain Shane with your passe cliche's. He likes to make war and then rest his banged up domepiece on "Love".

Tattoo Innova-Shane

2008-10-30T16:22:00.005-05:00

It has been like four posts since we have had something tattoo related so its about time we are getting back to Shane’s preferred accoutrements. We have to commend this specimen for his clever tattoo innova-Shane. With this scary tummy ink, Shane is always ready for a gun battle and you better fucking recognize. Imagine you are in the club minding your own business then this asshat bumps into you and spills his drink. Next thing you know Shane is up in your face for knocking his booze onto his STD recipient of choice for the night. Just so you know he means business, he pulls up his shirt to show you he bees fully strapped. Unfortunately its not a real firearm that will accidently discharge into his tiny little pecker on the dancefloor, thus saving us from his illiterate progeny. We can dare to dream of life in a perfect world, where Shane’s nuts are about as real as his gat.

Shanecessory -- Sombrero

2008-10-22T16:40:00.005-05:00

Shane picked up this sombrero on his recent Mexican VacayShane to Cancun. It was the greatest time of his life. He couldn't get enough of the cheap booze, drunk high school Shanestitutes in Training* on spring break and nothing but AfflictShane shirts everyday of the week. I hope you enjoyed Montezuma’s revenge Shane, which in this case was losing your fucking job because you won’t take off the retarded fucking hat. This is Los Estados Unidos Shane, go back to Mexico and this time try sharing needles until you contract Hep C.

*Shanestitutes in Training are defined as any female that sleeps with Shane and does not possess one of the following: an STD, a C-section scar or a child that preceded receipt of a high school diploma (GED’s do NOT count), at least one ex-husband that has multiple baby mamas, a penchant for going bra-less in a wife beater, or a tramp stamp.

If you can determine who the epitome of Shayna is (i.e. embodies all of the qualities above) or have any more delightful characteristics of a Shanestitute please drop us a line.

This picture was a contribushane. Much obliged to reader MG.

Shanecessory -- Puka Shane Necklace

2008-10-16T11:30:00.003-05:00

If your hold your head close enough to Shane’s jewlery you can hear the Ocean. And if you pull hard enough on shane’s nipple rings you can watch his heart pop out of his chest and beat in your hand until he dies; both highly enjoyable pastimes. Shayna loves the ocean, and not just because it reminds her of the crabs she got on VacayShane that one time. What better way for Shane to get on her good side and to show his affinity for the sea than by going to his local mall kiosk and loading up on all kinds of shitty shell jewelry. The added benefit is that Shane can support the child labor of some poor Charlie Shane who made 4 cents stringing puka shells all week so they could eat. Good luck getting laid Shane, watch out for the crabs!

MetroShanexual

2008-10-10T12:21:00.005-05:00

Shane is so pretty. But, by no means is it an accident. He must be commended on his efforts to sculpt and shave his guns for a big night on the town with his number one bitch. His attention to detail is exquisite, notice the varying levels of facial hair growth. The soul patch and sideburns are a Monday to Friday growth while the rest of the beard got a trim Wednesday morning so it would be ready to hit the club Friday. Finally, the coups de grâce is his subtle, but not subtle enough, application of Shayna’s MAC powder. That damn flash brings out all the detail Shane. Such a cute couple, I wonder who will be on their knees in the men’s room first.

Shane's Business Trip

2008-10-09T11:23:00.003-05:00

It’s time for Shane to hurry up and get to the airport. He and his bro have an important convention to attend in Vegas brah. Even though he has vital meetings to attend when he arrives, he still prefers to look jacked in his sweet tank top. Shane is secretly very happy that his boy didn’t bring the A game for this trip. Brody totally forgot to sleep with that t-shirt under his pillow so the sleeve-stealing fairy could do his job. Who knows what kind of jet setting Shanestitute’s they may meet before the connecting flight in Houston. You and your shirt are very correct Shane. It ain’t gonna suck itself.

Tattoo Obsesshane

2008-10-08T14:18:00.002-05:00

Seriously dude. Lay off he ink for a bit. It has obviously soaked into your bloodstream and is causing your hair to fall out on the sides. If you are not careful, Shayna may notice the side receding hair line and dump you for not being able to spike up your shit anymore. Then how would you look poolside bald and all by yourself? Just put the tat needles down Shane! We get the fucking the point.

Shane You Fugly!

2008-10-02T14:56:00.003-05:00

Turn around Shane! Fuck, What the fuck are you? No, don’t look at me when you talk you’re going to scar my retinas. Where do we start with you Shane? How about you pick a race and stick with it. Your nappy head is not very conducive to hair gel man, did you try and use relaxer or something? I also enjoy how the oil stains on your Afflict-shane match your bombed out complexion and fat ass nose. For all of our sakes Shane, take a hint from the skeleton on your shirt and just die you ugly son a bitch.

Shanetivity -- Mixin' and Spinnin'

2008-09-25T14:22:00.009-05:00

You can't have Supa Club without Shanestitutes, Afflict-Shanes, GHB or sweet, sweet, pink cocktails. We have duly noted the importance of most of the above items, however we have yet to recognize the most crucial part of the Supa Club experience, the DJ. How else is Shane going to get his victim of choice all hot and bothered without the beep beep, tink tink and bass thump provided by the DJ's ADD scrambled tunes of choice. Who the fuck owns any of the random house remix crap they actually play at clubs these days. Thanks DJ Shane I actually needed the night terrors from the tweaked out remix of "Never Gonna Give You Up".

That's right Shane, you got Rick Rolled.

VacayShane -- Lake Havasu

2008-09-24T17:32:00.005-05:00

Shane's on VacayShane, we're on VacayShane. Not really, we're just too lazy to put up posts all the time because unfortunately, Shane Taming doesn't pay the bills. So look here's a post.

Shane loves Lake Havasu, its like Supa Club on the water. With Shanestitutes showing off the surgery scars from stuffing water balloons into their chests and the c-section scars from where the yutes were ripped out, Shane couldn't ask for anything more. Congrats on the sweet captain's hat and the pasties Shane. It's pretty amazing that you are even allowed on water when you can barely function on land. Whatever you do, don't forget to see London Bridge while you are there, hopefully some rightminded tamer will cut your head off and display it on the bridge just like they used to do in jolly old England. Happy Boating Shane!

UnShanesored photo

Shanecessory -- Frosted Tips

2008-09-17T15:45:00.004-05:00

When Shane starts to feel stale and wants to change up his look, he could opt for a new afflict-shane tee or some different shanecessories. If he really wants to take it up a notch, he'll go for frosted tips. Let’s be honest, dark haired Shanes covet blonde tips and blonde haired Shanes want lighter or even red tips. Nothing makes the Shaynas swoon quite like a polychromatic faux hawk, and Shane is willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to make her wet. Luckily, every trailer park beauti-Shane is carefully schooled on how to brighten up Shane’s ‘doo with the perfect blend of peroxide and lemon juice. Frost on Shane, but be warned. Too much time in the sun might make those luscious locks an outrageous orange.

Magi-Shane

2008-09-16T15:48:00.002-05:00

Presto Shano! Watch the uber magi-shane pull a platinum wallet chain out of his Von Dutch hat. The most recent incarnation of Houdini and Copperfield takes the amount of shanecessories one can carry simultaneously to a whole new level. He is all Shane from the bad mop with the multi-colored dye job all the way down to the 16 skull rings on the tips of his fingers. On a positive note, he doesn't have anything hiding up his sleeves for a change. Some son of a bitch already stole them off of his acid washed, afflict-shane, linen, vest-beater, abortion of a shirt. This is an example of what happens when Shane gets enough fans and the means to indulge his behavior. Luckily, all is not lost for us. This magi-Shane is just one fucked up trick away from instant death.

Shaynativities -- Prostitu-Shane

2008-09-11T17:07:00.006-05:00

What’s that Shayna? You don’t have enough money left for the rent this month? Or, do you just need some extra cash for that peroxide and pink dye job you’ve had your eye set on? Here’s a solution, the world’s oldest profession. Yes, that’s right sweetie, its time for you to get into Prostitu-Shane.

Let’s see if you are qualified. I mean, if the broad above is good enough for a governor, you should be able to pull down a city judge or two. Do you go on spring break and end up naked for Girls Gone Wild? Do you throw signs in the club? Do you have a terrible tattoo(s)? Yes too all three! Congraulations Shayna, you too can sell your wares for a nominal (and I do mean nominal) hourly fee. Keep trickin’ baby doll, one day when you own that Maxima outright it’ll all be worth it.

VacayShane Spot -- Panama City

2008-09-10T13:55:00.008-05:00

Where was Shane planning on going for Labor Day before the Evacua-Shane? Panama City, Florida of course. Shane barely left the tanning bed to buy new earrings and stock up on glowsticks because he wanted to be at his most tangerine shade for the trip. He has to have his gear tight because its not often he is surrounded by liquored up 18 and under girls at Club La Vela. Don't let the multitude of swinging dicks around you be distracting Shane. That girl taking her top off in front of the masses has her eyes glued to your orange pecs. So, when she exits stage left, slam your crotch into her and grind away. You are so on Vacayshane and you are so gonna score!

UnShanesored version here.

Lindsey Lo-Shane - Stiletto Bikini

2008-09-09T16:39:00.003-05:00

All Shanestitutes know the easiest way to catch the wandering eye of Shane is to show a little skin. Lindsey Lo-Shane is no different. Even she knows that nothing compliments the teeny bikini like some platform heels. It just says, "I am hot and I will fuck you so hard that your girlfriend’s other boyfriend will feel it." Be wary though. At the time of this photograph LoShane is still under house arrest, much like many Shanestitutes will be from the last time they beat the shit out of Shane's old flame. Do not consider this a more than a gentle caution. By all means, go after this breed Shane. What do you care if your old lady loses her extensions and gets some press-ons imbedded in her ass? The juice from this brand of Shayna is definitely worth the squeeze.

Bro-Shane

2008-09-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

What a couple! Their Shaneness is so tight that they wear complimentary fucking sweet striped shirts, throw the same sign, and even look like they are from the same muddled ethnic background. They are the epitomy of bro-Shanes. Judging by the hand "X" and lack of dranks, Bert and Ernie are just rocking it out at the club tonight high on life and each others' eau de toilette of choice, Curve. Its okay Bert, one day you will get to order your very own cranberry and vodkas. For now though, just throw signs and smoke cigarettes knowing Ernie has your back while he gently caresses your shoulder and gets ready for bath time later. Don't forget your rubber ducky Shane!!

Evacua-Shane!!!

2008-08-30T16:09:00.003-05:00

Shane, pack up your favorite shanecessories and cram Shayna into your whip. Its time to get the F out of the dirty N O! Gustav is a low down son of a bitch and its gonna be a long ride to the high ground. May the Shane be with you and your 12-pack of Keystone Ice.

Saddam Hu-Shane

2008-08-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

Salaam Alaikum Saddam Hu-Shane. Many Hajjis will strap up with C4 to blow up American pigs and wallow in the afterlife with 72 virgin skanks, but, more than a few of the camel fuckers have chosen to embrace their inner Shane and woo the shanestitutes of our Western world instead. Uday throws a muted sign while flossin' his meticulously sculpted ShaneStrap. Quisay rocks a flat brimmed designer head piece with his own chin strap that could use a little growing in (keep at it Hu-Shane). We could probably win over tons of hearts and minds in Mesopotamia by air dropping shanecessories to replace turbans and hajibs. However, if given the choice, we would still rather stick a nuke up Achmadinajad's ass than risk being blamed for spawning any more Shane. ~~Allah~~ Shane Akbar!

Shanecessory -- The Rat Tail

2008-08-28T12:51:00.003-05:00

Shane has been growing out his rat tail since birth. Everyone in the trailer park is in awe of his follicular feats. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Shane will grow out of this coiffeur eventually and opt for whatever is trendy at the time (i.e. the fauxshane). Alas, it is important to salute this majestic classic, even as its prevalence wanes. Honor your hairdo history Shane! I will be too busy killing your barber.

Shane-squared -- Eiffel Tower

2008-08-25T14:22:00.005-05:00

A contributor informs us the fine specimen here on the left is actually named Shane! He was recently spotted at the Playboy Mansion rocking black denim, an intricately designed button down, and spiked tips along with his brah. Ohh, what a night for this shanerrific duo. Gustave Eiffel must be proud of his eponymous tower lending its moniker to the greatest moment of Shane-squared’s life. High five Shane, you did it! Just remember not to kiss her after your brah is done on the front end.

Calling all Shane Tamers . . . If you spot Shane out and about feel free to document him in his natural habitat. Submit your photographs (and witty comments if you dare) to contribushane@gmail.com. We will be sure to share your Shane with the world. But, beware, we are not responsible for provoking Shane’s ire. As always, tame Shane with extreme caution!

Scizzer Shanemobile

2008-08-22T11:05:00.005-05:00

Is that Doc Brown hopping out of his Delorean? Nope, its just Shane stuntin' in his tricked out whip. The Shanemoblie got jealous of Shane's sign throwing abilities and figured out a way to represent by throwing scissors of its own. Hopefully, this mod affects the structural integrity of the vehicle and turns his mom's Ford Taurus into a death trap. Throw up the doors and spread your wings Shane. Then, fly back to trailer park hell and die.

FedEx

2008-08-21T13:42:00.006-05:00

Sometimes Shane's investment portfolio pays off. He hits the lottery scratch off for five bucks so he can get an extra six-pack of Red Dog. Then, sometimes, Shane hits the motherfucking motherload and never has to pay for his shanecessories ever again! Fuck you K-Fed. Even your trusty Shane Tamers are a little jealous of you and your chalice. Not only haven't we knocked up mommy big bucks yet, but, the Shane-Mart just sold out of Jesus' Holy Pimp Grail. Dammit!! All FederShane did was spill some of his gametes into Britney's gaping vagina to make the "chosen one". Now he gets half. Plus, the legal system, in all of its infinite wisdom, somehow deemed him the more responsible one. Four kids via two wealthier and more famous baby mamas? Keep on keepin' on K-Fed. Thank god not all Shane are as lucky as you.

Charlie Shane

2008-08-19T15:01:00.004-05:00

Asian Shane longs to be just like his trashy Caucasian counterpart. Watch out! He is a low down sneaky son of a bitch just like his ancestors in the black pajamas. Not only is he all juiced up, but he can easily channel his inner Bruce Lee and roundhouse kick you in the face. Plus, Charlie travels in packs just like the VC and the fucking Yakuza. So don't forget to take extra caution when his large breasted tila tequila-esque shanestitute is by his side. And don't even think about letting your dog anywhere near this guy. He may not look like his traditional Oriental brethren, but he will still snatch up Fido and add him to the buffet quicker than you can say "Bonsai!".

Shanestitute -- Tanya

2008-08-19T10:08:00.005-05:00

Tanya will kick your ass if you fuck with her or her sister Shayna. Don't let the butterfly tat or the airbrushed dolphins on her shirt fool you. Tanya is one hard as nails, yet delicate, bitch. She is pissed about being cramped up in her trailer all day taking care of her kids from Clint, Dwayne and Daddy. So, when she gets out of the park she will look for any excuse to have a good time / rip a chunk out of your face with her press ons. Do NOT get caught ogling her jean shorts, 17 tattoos or exposed thong, you will regret it.

Shane-Amacha

2008-08-18T14:56:00.003-05:00

Following in the traditions laid down by his tribal forefathers, Shane has found an excellent way to express his cultural pride. The Indian, feather not dot, Shane (a/k/a Shane-amacha) for some reason has an affinity for Native American headresses and bird plumage. Inexplicably, when Shane likes something, he has to permanently ink it into his body. Beware of Chief Tight T-shirts and Bad Earrings, he is most likely hopped up on peyote and will shove his peace pipe up your cornhole if you insult his cave drawings and tepee.

Shanetivites -- Throwing Signs

2008-08-15T13:51:00.004-05:00

Shane is not a Blood or a Crip. He has never been jumped in. But, he does have the constant fellowship of The Shane Gang. So, when he throws up his scissors or his rock horns or whatever the fuck half of these broke dick hand gestures are, you better recognize that the entire Shane Empire has his back. The tribe is out in full force and if they see a man with a stained Afflict-Shane or a saggy fauxShane they got his back. Don't worry Shane. Throw your sign out and your fellow Shane will rave over to you with an extra shirt, self-tanner, GHB cap, hair wax or a simple compliment of how fucking awesome you dudes look. Never fear, bro-Shane is always near.

Shanetivities -- College

2008-08-14T14:06:00.004-05:00

On occassion, Shane gets to go to college. Oh no, we don’t mean by earning a state funded academic scholarship. Usually this type of Shane possesses some sort of innate physical talent that academic institutions crave for their athletic teams. Accordingly, administrations ignore Shane's lack of reading and counting good and he has a chance to be exposed to some level of higher learning. That is higher learning beyond those more important life skills he is instinctually gifted with such as how to make meth in the back of a toilet or give the town bicycle her 7th coat hangar abortion of the summer. Congrats on your matriculation Shane! Now go find out what all the fuss is about this GHB trend, I’m sure mammy and sis will love it.

Shaneorexic

2008-08-13T14:00:00.005-05:00

Are you, or is someone you know, suffering from Shaneorexia? Do you wake up in the middle of night fighting the urge to find a mirror and throw signs at yourself? Is your closet full of shirts with no collars that look like a chicken shit all over them? Does your medicine cabinet overflow with HGH needles, bronzer, hair wax, and old diamond stud earrings? Don't panic Shane, help is just a few clicks away.

Email contribushane@gmail.com where they have a myriad of ways to help you kill yourself. Do it now Shane, before you wear a Von Dutch hat and realize it's too late.

Shanecessory -- Nipple FetiShane

2008-08-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

Shane defies you to find anything wrong with male nipple rings. Shane loves it when anyone tweaks his nipples, at Supa Club or even in the men's shower at the gym. The cold steel jammed through his hard flesh sends shivers all the way down his spine to the tip of his quivering asshole. Shanestitutes get nipple rings. Why should they be the only ones having any fun? Keep the nips sensiShane!

VacayShane Spot

2008-08-12T11:15:00.003-05:00

When Shane is able to get away for some VacayShane Shanenanigans, he hits the beach! The Shanestitutes flock to the surf and the sand and Shane gets to show his full shanecessory regalia. Plus, Shayna has no idea how pissed her daddy will get when she is all over the internet after getting butt ass naked to win $100 in wet t-shirt/biggest whore/what is the largest thing I can fit in my vagina contest. Hit the beach but don't forget to show your respects while you are in the home of the Nascar Super Bowl. What a town!

View UnShanesored version here.

I Heart Shane

2008-08-11T19:53:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, the Shanestitute is just so stricken by her love for Shane that she feels the need to install a customized display of her love. She proudly flaunts it for all to see while she's ridin' dirty in her Kia. Yes, Shayna, we know where your heart is. Shane has it tucked away nicely in his bedside table next to his Drakkar Noir and crystal meth stash.

Tramp Stamp -- Shaynaccesssory

2008-08-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Shayna loves the cock. How better to ensure that Shane knows she is down for some than to advertise that fact. Shane loves bright colors and designs, which is perfect, because Shayna's tramp stamp says, "Here I am, I will go down on you in a broom closet like a fucking shop vac!" Shayna clearly demonsrates her understanding of marketing principles, the more impressions she makes, the more likely someone will purchase her finely inked, skank ass.

Destinashane -- Gym

2008-08-06T08:55:00.000-05:00

Don't bother going to your minimum wage job today Shane, it's time to lift. Just go and pump some iron to make sure that your Afflict-Shane accentuates your guns in all the right places. Three sets of barbell curls, seven sets of bench, three sets of dumbbell curls, three sets of tricep extensions, pound 1 gallon of Rip Fuel, then three more sets of incline curls. Don't forget to look at how jacked you are in the mirror as often as necessary to make you forget you have a three-inch pecker. Lower body workout is optional, Shayna could give two shits if you can actually stand up on those chicken legs. Rip the sleeves off another shirt Shane, you earned it.

Shanetivities -- Pool Party

2008-08-05T14:00:00.003-05:00

Turn up the house music and get all of the techno remixes your favorite 80's songs ready! Cock your hat sideways or throw on your sweet doo rag. Its Supa Club on water! Just make sure you don't risk messing up your FauxShane by actually doing any swimming. Shane can't wait to strut in front of the Shanestitutes while taking part in his favorite activity . . . looking down and checking out his own ink on his fuckin' ripped pecs and arms. Yes, you look great Shane and everyone knows it, those 16 hours of fake bake this week were worth it. The day is yours!

Failed Aborshane

2008-08-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

This fetus probably deserved the vacuum a little more than most. With this male Shanecestor, the yute just has no chance to ever know any better. And we know this Shanestitute is not going to be any help. First, she got married (maybe) to this tatted, pierced, frosted-tipped Shane. Then, Shayna thought it was a good idea to go to Wal-Mart and get topless preggo glamour shots with his hand on her ass. Poor little fetus, you've been found guilty by associa-Shane.

ShaneStrap

2008-08-04T15:06:00.003-05:00

Shane can grow a full beard if he wants to. But, that would be too damn easy for Shane. He prefers to meticulously sculpt his man growth into a helmet strap to impress Shayna. With his fine line of fur, Shane is always strapped in and ready for action. Coincidentally, the pencil thinness of his beard also alludes to the girth of his manhood. Stay strapped Shane.

Mixed Mar-Shane Artist

2008-08-04T13:51:00.006-05:00

The Mixed Mar-Shane Artist is currently at the apex of the the Shane-erarchy. His crazy ink and Shane-fliction gear draped over a muscular physique have led this breed to the top. All the Shanestitutes want him and all the other Shanes want to be him. This Shane can be found in the gym beating the shit out of his friends in training, at the bar beating the shit out of his friends for fun, or beating the shit out of you because he doesn't like your attitude after pulling you over for speeding. McCain may be right, MMA is like human cockfighting, except it sucks because normally both Mixed Mar-Shane Artists make it out alive.

Supa Club -- Shanetivity #1

2008-08-01T12:30:00.002-05:00

Uh oh. Its that time of the week again! Gather up all of your Shanecessories and hit up Supa Club. Make sure that faux-shane is well sculpted and rock solid because Shane is fucking going after it all night long. Shane is wired up on Red Bull and E and he is looking for the perfect Shanestitute to watch him flex while he grinds on her self-tanner scented ass. Crank up the light show and stretch it out, it's time to get Shane done.

Fuck Nuts

2008-08-01T10:09:00.002-05:00

Shane is clearly a Fuck Nut and due to that fact, he fucking loves Truck Nuts. Here, Shane first discovers this new Shanecessory. Notice the elation, Shane can't even make blue steel for the camera. Don't let the black button down opened up to his navel make you think he likes it in the tailpipe, because even this man's truck needs testicles. Finally, a product that screams virility and dispels any doubt about how badass he is. You truly are fabulous Shane!

Shanetivities -- Juicin'

2008-07-31T12:10:00.004-05:00

Nothing gets Shane as fucking pumped as pumping iron... and 'roids into his ass. Shane loves to flex in da club and he doens't have time to earn it the old fashioned way. Without the juice, his little bitch arms would render his Afflict-Shane tee useless. Shanestitutes require Shane to protect them and be able to throw them around just like daddy did. You can tell from all of his Shanecessories that Shane cares about his body. Particularly when caring about his body means doing arms, curls, biceps, chest, bench, and pecs. You are so buff from the waist up Shane, rage on.

Shanestitute

2008-07-30T17:38:00.008-05:00

A Shanestitute (a.k.a. Shayna) loves Shane. She most likely grew up hanging out with Shane. In fact, it is highly likely her brothers and Father are Shane. She comes in a myriad of varieties, but you can easily recognize her in the wild by her tramp stamp, augmented breasts, fake tan, belly button jewelry, and badly dyed hair. Approach the Shanestitute with extreme caution. While she may appear sexually attractive at first, she is a wily creature and her flaws are often masked by self-tanner and copious amounts of MAC cosmetics. In the event you attempt to hunt Shayna, you would do well to acquire as many Shanecessories as possible. While the Shanestitute may play away on occasion, she has committed her very being to Shane.

Tribal Shane

2008-07-30T17:07:00.005-05:00

Shane gets Tribal ink because it shows so many things to the Shanestitutes. Primarily, it shows Shane can take pain. Needles can't hurt him, chicks dig that. Also, the design shows Shane's creative sentimentalities. Shane spent months contemplating his ink artists' oeuvre. Chicks dig artsy guys. You are so hard, yet soft, Shane.

FauxShane

2008-07-30T16:01:00.006-05:00

Where would Shane be without the Faux Hawk? This hairstyling method has quickly become the official calling card of Shane. He needs his hair to appear normal during the work week. But, as soon as it is time to turn the party on, he can instantly sculpt his follicles into the signature long in the middle and short on the sides style. Looking good Shane!

Emo Musi-Shanes

2008-07-30T15:33:00.005-05:00

Ahh emo musi-Shanes, they are a different variety of Shane than we have yet explored. One might be confused as to how Afflict-Shane and emo douche-ane's are related. Afflict-Shane sticks needles full of steroids in his ass and emo douche-ane wears eyeliner and girls' jeans. Both have shrunken balls that can often be found in each others' mouths. Rock on emo Musi-Shane.

Shane Preston

2008-07-30T14:24:00.006-05:00

Sean "Shane" Preston is well on his way to embracing his fate and becoming what the gods intended everyone from Kentwood, LA to be. Good job Britney. Thanks for your doing your part to keep the blood line intact. I sense that the Shane is mighty strong in this one. With such impeccable breeding he has all the makings of the Chosen One. May the Shane be with you Sean.

Afflict-Shane

2008-07-30T13:25:00.008-05:00

Shane loves to get geared up and throw on his designer cotton. He can be comfortable and at the same time not worry about the formalities of a dress code. Its a t-shirt, he paid for the luxury of not having wear a collar (and you better know how much he paid for it) while still showing off his 13 inch pythons. His fellow Shanes and all the Shanestitutes instantly accept him into their social circle. Well played Shane. Well played.

Verisimili-Shane

2008-07-30T09:23:00.005-05:00

Sometimes our work is done for us. The above shane is named Shane. His blip on the grid came from participation in Survivor 47 Trailer Park Cookout. His willingness to shed what little dignity he wasn't aware he had on a reality show, the terrible ink (including one inside his lip) and the meth chic body structure all make him more than qualified to be spotted here. For those about to name your child Shane, we salute you.

Celebrity Shane

2008-07-30T00:20:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while, Shane is able to break into the general American conscience in order to achieve a certain level of stardom. Celebrity Shane is able to have an appeal that crosses over into popular culture. Support for this rare breed of Shane goes far beyond his fellow Shane. Yet, (regardless of popularity, economic success, or sexual conquests) Shane he remains.

The Birth of Shane

2008-07-29T23:54:00.006-05:00

Just like all of us, Shane must start somewhere. Blame it on bad parenting or getting caught up in the wrong crowd. Some kids have no hope. They are destined to become Shane and have no chance at escape. These kids are bred to cock their hat to the side, get inked up, and throw signs.